Author: Holly Horton
Always grinding. Expected to multi-task. Heading toward exhaustion. Are we really surprised that our sex lives end up on the back burner? Once the honeymoon bubble as been popped, finding time for your sex life and maintaining levels of affection can slowly fall down the priority list.
So we’ve put together some ways you can keep your sex life at the top of your priorities.
Take a sense-check
It’s important to remember to remain open-minded and respectful when opening up this discussion with your partner. The aim is to foster openness and honesty not aggression and negative energy. To start with, focus on what has been working for your sex life ahead of delving into the reasons why it might be slipping down your priority list.
You may find that something comes up you or your partner having been waiting to address.
Have realistic expectations
A good jumping off point might involve starting slowly, try to connect emotionally with your partner, focusing on affection before trying to increase frequency. Make an effort to spend more intimate moments together, whether that is doing daily activities together or increasing physical touch day-to-day.
Schedule it
Keeping a timetable perhaps doesn’t sound the sexiest approach to prioritising your sex life, but if your issue really is time, it may be the most practical way forward. Anticipation can be half the fun, focus on building the suspense before your scheduled sex date with fun things like sexting, nudes and planning what you’re going to do to eachother.
In the real world, people’s sex drives vary wildy, especially throughout a long-term relationship. The important thing is to not put too much pressure on yourself or your partner to ramp things up too quickly. Maintaining a great schedule may be the key that opens up your partnership and bumps sex to the top of your priority list.
The fact that we’re still using the word ‘should’ around our own sexual pleasure is the first clue that there’s no one right answer to the question. A lot of people might believe that longer is better, or that other people think it is, and till-the-sun-comes-up long sex sessions are a pretty universal barometer of how hot and heavy last night was. And yet.
If everybody is doing it all night, how come Netflix is so successful? All joking aside, in real life, whether you are in the mood for penetrative sex that lasts for hours or oral sex that curls your toes but lasts 5 minutes, pleasure is pleasure. And hello, what about quickies? A quickie is one of the most erotic sex plays around, and can also act as an intimate stop-gap when you’ve got a week that allows little together time. Here are some tips to getting it right for you and the expectations that might be getting in the way.
Expectation: We’re gonna do it all night.
Reality: You might. And that is perfectly fabulous. However, an all-nighter is probably not 7 or 8 uninterrupted hours of sex. It’s more a big sexual soup of foreplay, interplay and after play. You might hold each other, talk until the sun comes up and then do it all over again. Or you might have long sex. Or content yourselves with mutual oral sex. As long as you and your partner’s needs are being satisfied and what you are doing feels right, there’s no one right way to do this. Stock up on lubes, condoms and – why not – toys, and enjoy!
Expectation: I’m going to want to do it all night. Every time.
Reality: Few people want to get it on the same way every time. Keep an open mind. And be prepared to mix it up. Pleasure is about moments and touch and all the sensations themselves, not a fixed amount of time you have to stroke in order to tick all the “That was hot!” boxes.
Expectation: The perfect amount of time is…
Maybe you like to do the do for hours. Or used to. Or don’t at all. There are so many different ways to explore each other that getting hung up on some pre-planned ‘perfect’ amount of time could totally get in the way of what you and your partner(s) actually enjoy. A hilarious but telling Twitter poll asked 819 participants, “Ever get bored during penetrative sex or want it to just be over already?” A whopping 82% of them answered yes thereby proving that stamina isn’t everything. And that asking your partner, “Does this feel good?” should be part of an ongoing convo, even in the thick of things.
If crackles, scratches, pops, snaps, taps, whispers and other auditory (or visual) stimuli make you feel tingly or relaxed, or have any other euphoric reaction, you are sensitive to ASMR, or autonomous sensory meridian response, experiences. Extra-personal attention from others can also elicit what is often described as a tingling sensation that travels from the scalp down the spine or to the limbs and brings about a feeling of wellness. Also, more recently, and perhaps accurately, known as AIHO (attention-induced head orgasm) or AIE (attention-induced euphoria), when it comes to ASMR, if you know, then you know.
This global phenomenon is fundamentally non-sexual. Videos and podcasts made to trigger an ASMR abound online and have garnered tens of millions of views and listens. For some, this involuntary body and brain reaction can decrease anxiety and help with sleeping issues. However, for others, the arousal is real. It stands to reason that the 2.0 would evolve to include erotic ASMR.
It’s simple, really. If certain sounds, sensations and visual cues get you tingling or experiencing what some refer a ‘braingasm’, using those triggers as a turn on in a sensual or sexual encounter makes sense. If you derive pleasure from it, whether the sound of water running, whispering, ironing (yes, really), crunchy or slurpy eating sounds, someone brushing your hair slowly and methodically, or watching someone else’s hair getting brushed, whatever does it for you, incorporate this audio or visual sex into your box of carnal bliss tricks, whether with a partner – who may have their own sexual ASMR prompts – or when masturbating or partaking in online sex. It is another way to heighten the intensity of your orgasms and enjoy a healthy, well-rounded intimate life.
Certain things are generally perceived as improving as we get older. Issues like managing finances and mastering our work, for example. More experience, more skills, more enjoyment. The supposed exception? Our sex lives. In that same way that people in their 30s are seen as ancient when we are little, pop culture practically screams that sex is for the young and the older you get, the less sex you’ll be having. This info is mis-info.
The facts: Older folks are having mature sex, even senior sex, and the majority of men and women over 60 in the US are sexually active, most averaging at least two to three times monthly (more often than many younger adults).
How much, how good?
One reason for the fact gap: quality vs quantity. One large, long-term study conducted over an 18-year period found that younger people were satisfied when they were having a lot of intercourse and other sexual adventures. The same study discovered that, as people get older and acquire more sexual wisdom, they value good sex over a lot of sex. So when asked. “How is your sex life?”, their decline in satisfaction is taken as a decline in frequency of sex in later life.
The study underlines the benefits of maturing, including more knowledge in all areas of life, sexuality included, as older people report understanding their own sexual preferences more, what their partners are (and aren’t) into, and how this spills over into intimacy. Older people in romantic relationships report engaging in sexual exploration and a focus on their partner’s pleasure.
Comfortable in their skin
This sexual wisdom is often paired with another advantage of getting older: not caring so much what others think about us. The erotic freedom that comes with body acceptance and letting go of hang-ups can lead to deeper, more satisfying intercourse and other sexual practices. Which is great news, as sex after age 60, or 70, or beyond, is a great predictor of a longer, healthier life. As well as a more enjoyable one. The clichés should be put out to pasture. Not speaking truthfully about the joys of mature sex does everyone a disservice.
Debating whether or not to wear a condom, regardless of relationship status, is an ongoing issue. But who risks the most during sex without a condom? The bottom line is that those who are receiving, whether anally or vaginally, find themselves more exposed to potential sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies. So penis-owners who choose not to wear condoms are creating inequality within the bedroom, which is not a good look.
Comfort is key when it comes to condoms: if you don’t find the right condom size then yes, it may not be the best sex ever. But patience is a virtue! It’s possible to try out a few condom options and maybe even incorporate them into your foreplay. Our condom rsize range includes, large, regular and close feel. Every sex partner has the right to feel safe against unwanted pregnancy and infections. Here are a few simple ideas to help you vibe better with condoms.
Just add lube
Adding a few drops of personal lubricant to the tip of a condom can significantly increase pleasure for penis owners. Some even claim that it feels better than sex without a condom as the lubricant works to heighten sensation at the head of the penis. Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, MD, Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons, warns that more than 2 drops is risky as it could lead the condom to slip off during sex, which puts you right back at square one.
Experiment with condom textures
Today, there is so much more choice when it comes to condoms because they have been designed to provide pleasure, on top of protection. Thinner or new material condoms (polyisoprene, for example) can give heightened sensuality during sex. Dotted, ribbed or condoms with special cooling or warming lubricants can create intense stimulation and pleasure for both parties.
Include condoms in foreplay
For penis owners with painful condom experiences in their past, it can be an erection killer. So, the trick is to find the sex appeal of condoms. Think about how the condom finds its way onto the penis – a willing partner can take control, using their mouth or hands to put the condom on, with a touch that they know gets results.
There’s still some unlearning to do about condoms especially amongst penis owners, who are required to let go of past experiences or consider that pleasure is mental as well as physical. Open communication with sex partners is essential, as well as a non-judgemental attitude.
Sex education looks very different around the world. One universal factor however appears to be adults getting nervous when talking about sex to children and teenagers. Religion and patriarchy also use their power to stifle the positive transmission of sex and relationship education, resulting in a narrow-minded, heteronormative vision that is often steeped in shame.
The popular Netflix show Sex Education has done great work at breaking down sexual taboos amongst young people and intergenerationally, too. It openly celebrates diversity within relationships and brings lesser known sex stuff to the fore, such as vaginismus, asexuality and douching anxiety. In the second season, one of the character’s parents, a registered sex therapist, creates a drop-in space where students can ask her all their sex and sexuality questions. There’s a comedy element but also a serious subtext: young people need a safe space in which they can learn all about sex.
Part of why sex education remains a lifelong lesson is because many of us were badly prepared at school. Being spoon-fed biological information is all very well in theory but putting it into practice is a whole other kettle of fish. Sex can and should be fun but often times it can be confusing, emotional and stressful to navigate – even as fully-fledged adults. Let’s run through some stuff that we should know but may not know (or have only recently learned):
1. Consent is everything
All genders need to be taught that they have the option to say “yes” or “no” when it comes to having sex and being in a relationship. It is equally important to accept hearing “yes” or “no”. Acceptance and rejection of individual personal desires must be heard and respected.
2. Sex transcends biology
We’re not all having sex to make babies. Sex can be motivated by pleasure, by revenge, by loneliness, by love, and a whole host of other reasons. Sex education really needs to go beyond the biological aspect.
3. Sex doesn’t make you a better or worse person
In Western culture, men and boys are celebrated for being sexually active while women and girls are slut-shamed for the very same thing. This only leads to a culture of sexual shame and violence, and no-one is a winner in this situation.
4. So many sexualities
Sexuality is a spectrum that can change throughout one’s lifetime. Asexual, bi-sexual, gay, lesbian, trans, pansexual: there is nothing immoral about sexuality and yet discrimination is alive and kicking. Sex education does a good job however of suppressing exploration of this wide-ranging spectrum, preferring to see things through a purely straight lens.
5. The female orgasm isn’t a myth
Wouldn’t it be great if those biology moments in sex ed actually focused on the clitoris and all the ways in which it can be stimulated to achieve orgasm?
Sources:
https://markmanson.net/sex-education
https://www.theguardian.com/education/2019/apr/27/sex-education-around-the-world
https://collider.com/sex-education-season-3-positivity-destigmatization/
https://www.bbc.com/news/education-58913535
https://www.bitchmedia.org/article/when-sex-ed-fails-we-turn-to-pop-culture
Lubricants are now a major player in the sexual health and wellness field. Having shaken off their image as being an aid for vaginal dryness, it turns out that lube can make anyone’s sex life instantly better with minimal effort and cost. Isn’t sex more comfortable, pleasurable and better when using lube?
Here is a quick lowdown on lube: it is for everybody, every age, every sexuality, and it can be used for partner sex, group sex, or solo sex. Lube isn’t just for those who experience vaginal dryness – like arousal gels, lubricant enhances what you’re already feeling, as well as providing different sensations (warming, cooling, flavours). Lube can also be added to the inside of condoms to heighten pleasure for penis owners. When it comes to anal sex, silicone-based lubricant is important because the anus is incapable of producing sufficient natural lubrication by itself. It can be used before or during anal penetration.
Even if you don’t consider lube to be necessary for feeling turned on, you should definitely try it out. Water-based lubricants are a great place to start as they’re compatible with condoms and sex toys, plus there’s minimal mess involved. However, silicone-based lubricants -might be better pleasure-wise for anal sex and shower sex, as they last for longer.
An open-minded approach is required when it comes to lube – you may settle on one or you may want to have several on hand, depending on what you’re doing, who you’re with and where you’re doing it!
As a global business, made up of people based across the world, we cannot ignore the events that are taking place in Ukraine.
The news and stories from our own employees remind us of what we take for granted and offer some perspective in relation to our daily lives. We will be donating all net sales across SKYN’s websites in April to a peace foundation for those most impacted by the war.
“What’s happening in Ukraine is a tragedy and we wanted to do something to help support some of those who are suffering the most,” says M’lou Walker, Chief Executive Officer of LifeStyles Healthcare (SKYN® Parent Company). “During April, we’ll be adding to our support for the people in Ukraine and relief efforts for refugees by donating all net proceeds from SKYN’s websites to the Ernst Prost People for Peace Foundation.”
Thank you for helping us make this possible.
LifeStyles Healthcare