Category: Orgasm
Always grinding. Expected to multi-task. Heading toward exhaustion. Are we really surprised that our sex lives end up on the back burner? Once the honeymoon bubble as been popped, finding time for your sex life and maintaining levels of affection can slowly fall down the priority list.
So we’ve put together some ways you can keep your sex life at the top of your priorities.
Take a sense-check
It’s important to remember to remain open-minded and respectful when opening up this discussion with your partner. The aim is to foster openness and honesty not aggression and negative energy. To start with, focus on what has been working for your sex life ahead of delving into the reasons why it might be slipping down your priority list.
You may find that something comes up you or your partner having been waiting to address.
Have realistic expectations
A good jumping off point might involve starting slowly, try to connect emotionally with your partner, focusing on affection before trying to increase frequency. Make an effort to spend more intimate moments together, whether that is doing daily activities together or increasing physical touch day-to-day.
Schedule it
Keeping a timetable perhaps doesn’t sound the sexiest approach to prioritising your sex life, but if your issue really is time, it may be the most practical way forward. Anticipation can be half the fun, focus on building the suspense before your scheduled sex date with fun things like sexting, nudes and planning what you’re going to do to eachother.
In the real world, people’s sex drives vary wildy, especially throughout a long-term relationship. The important thing is to not put too much pressure on yourself or your partner to ramp things up too quickly. Maintaining a great schedule may be the key that opens up your partnership and bumps sex to the top of your priority list.
The fact that we’re still using the word ‘should’ around our own sexual pleasure is the first clue that there’s no one right answer to the question. A lot of people might believe that longer is better, or that other people think it is, and till-the-sun-comes-up long sex sessions are a pretty universal barometer of how hot and heavy last night was. And yet.
If everybody is doing it all night, how come Netflix is so successful? All joking aside, in real life, whether you are in the mood for penetrative sex that lasts for hours or oral sex that curls your toes but lasts 5 minutes, pleasure is pleasure. And hello, what about quickies? A quickie is one of the most erotic sex plays around, and can also act as an intimate stop-gap when you’ve got a week that allows little together time. Here are some tips to getting it right for you and the expectations that might be getting in the way.
Expectation: We’re gonna do it all night.
Reality: You might. And that is perfectly fabulous. However, an all-nighter is probably not 7 or 8 uninterrupted hours of sex. It’s more a big sexual soup of foreplay, interplay and after play. You might hold each other, talk until the sun comes up and then do it all over again. Or you might have long sex. Or content yourselves with mutual oral sex. As long as you and your partner’s needs are being satisfied and what you are doing feels right, there’s no one right way to do this. Stock up on lubes, condoms and – why not – toys, and enjoy!
Expectation: I’m going to want to do it all night. Every time.
Reality: Few people want to get it on the same way every time. Keep an open mind. And be prepared to mix it up. Pleasure is about moments and touch and all the sensations themselves, not a fixed amount of time you have to stroke in order to tick all the “That was hot!” boxes.
Expectation: The perfect amount of time is…
Maybe you like to do the do for hours. Or used to. Or don’t at all. There are so many different ways to explore each other that getting hung up on some pre-planned ‘perfect’ amount of time could totally get in the way of what you and your partner(s) actually enjoy. A hilarious but telling Twitter poll asked 819 participants, “Ever get bored during penetrative sex or want it to just be over already?” A whopping 82% of them answered yes thereby proving that stamina isn’t everything. And that asking your partner, “Does this feel good?” should be part of an ongoing convo, even in the thick of things.
If crackles, scratches, pops, snaps, taps, whispers and other auditory (or visual) stimuli make you feel tingly or relaxed, or have any other euphoric reaction, you are sensitive to ASMR, or autonomous sensory meridian response, experiences. Extra-personal attention from others can also elicit what is often described as a tingling sensation that travels from the scalp down the spine or to the limbs and brings about a feeling of wellness. Also, more recently, and perhaps accurately, known as AIHO (attention-induced head orgasm) or AIE (attention-induced euphoria), when it comes to ASMR, if you know, then you know.
This global phenomenon is fundamentally non-sexual. Videos and podcasts made to trigger an ASMR abound online and have garnered tens of millions of views and listens. For some, this involuntary body and brain reaction can decrease anxiety and help with sleeping issues. However, for others, the arousal is real. It stands to reason that the 2.0 would evolve to include erotic ASMR.
It’s simple, really. If certain sounds, sensations and visual cues get you tingling or experiencing what some refer a ‘braingasm’, using those triggers as a turn on in a sensual or sexual encounter makes sense. If you derive pleasure from it, whether the sound of water running, whispering, ironing (yes, really), crunchy or slurpy eating sounds, someone brushing your hair slowly and methodically, or watching someone else’s hair getting brushed, whatever does it for you, incorporate this audio or visual sex into your box of carnal bliss tricks, whether with a partner – who may have their own sexual ASMR prompts – or when masturbating or partaking in online sex. It is another way to heighten the intensity of your orgasms and enjoy a healthy, well-rounded intimate life.